seek out the brightness.

most times i write here, i don't really know what will come out. i don't normally sit down with a plan or an outline. i just let what's on the edge of my mind jump off.
that is probably some of the reason i don't post as frequently as some bloggers do. my writing is dependent on the rare convergence of being in front of the laptop, having the time and the clarity to let the simmering thoughts flow into written words.
the last two weeks have flown by in a blur of activity, tasks and planning. while the great majority of it has been fun and positive, it's easy to get stressed by the pace at which things need to be completed. it shouldn't be difficult to keep focused on the positive but sometimes the rush of time is like the tide and before you know it, you're caught up in it and have to fight your way out.
and then sometimes you don't realize the grey shade you are casting on all of your brightness until a single event stops you in your tracks.
two days ago i was stopped in my tracks.
a client of almost eight years passed away. folks who know what i do might think this would be easy or routine, but it's really not. this loss was especially poignant because of the long term relationship she and i developed and her abrupt decline.
over the years i have gotten to know this woman well but when i stepped into that ICU room, she wasn't present. only a small ghost of herself was there. just enough of her to recall to but not enough to connect. her eyes were open and searching. i tried to talk to her. i looked up at her now grown son, on emergency leave from active military duty, and without words we knew each others thoughts. she was leaving us and this is not how she would want to go. in her life and even in her early illness, she was bold and strong. she rode harley-davidsons. she wasn't afraid of single motherhood and took full responsibility without ever complaining. until she was too ill to continue, she worked as an HIV nurse caring for people with the same illness she would eventually contract. when i first met her she would wake up with a beer and drink straight until bedtime. then one day she stopped. just like that. when i suggested support groups she would say to me, "i don't need that. i made up my mind to stop and so i did."
we are all full of so much strength and possibility. we can make what we need. we can set our own pace and create our own environments.
we should try to see this everyday and not just when we are faced with such a tragic juxtaposition that we can no longer ignore our own blessings.
so right now, i will look around and be grateful. i will see the brightness. i will seek it out even through the grey moments.
and i will remember this woman. not as she was in that ICU bed, but as the one who lived the life she wanted and made the best of it.

dear sabrina...

in the almost six years that i worked with you i was regularly astounded at your survival.  the circumstances and events of your life would have destroyed most people. so many times, i would return from visits to your home or hospital room or doctors and think it was nearly "the end" but you always found something left to power you on. 

despite the tough-bitch-take-no-shit persona you showed to others, your core was compassionate and empathetic.  you loved animals; especially cats.  you were intelligent and acutely observant.  you could spot a phony a mile away.  you were always thinking of and doing for others, often to the detriment of your own needs.  you were witty and sarcastic and i loved it.

you would always apologize for being such a "difficult client" but i never hesitated to point out why you were strong, resiliant and powerful. you were your own harshest critic, going back over every detail of your life and only looking at the wrong turns.  

i know that you were trying to let me know you were dying three months ago but i wasn't seeing it.  i privately thought your death was imminent so many times previously i guess i thought you were invincible.

so today, when i got the call saying that you had passed away it seemed impossible.  and yet, i knew it would happen.  although you had finally gotten sober in the last six months, the damage had already been done.  your body was simultaneously fighting too many chronic battles; HIV, HCV, alcoholism and depression.

i hope you found peace at the end and it wasn't lonely. please know that i am a better person for having known you.  you taught me so much about perseverance, compassion, humility and  self discipline. 

i will miss you,

reneé

inside a case worker's head

here's a few uncoordinated thoughts on the federal poverty level, the criteria used to determine eligibility for most forms of state and federal assistance.
the federal poverty level is a income threshold that is re-evaluated annually based on inflation. the formula for calculating poverty has not been significantly changed in over 40 years. it is based on the cost of food and how much of one's income the US Dept of Health and Human Services assumes one spends on food. the basic idea is that a person spends about a third of their income on food. the govemment makes an assessment on how much food would feed a person for a month, estimates what it would cost and then multiplies it by three.
the main issue i have with this is that it doesn't make sense. think about it, do you spend a third of your income on food? i don't. what about your housing cost? the cost of housing has increased faster than the rate of inflation. much faster.
if your monthly income is $850 or below in 2007 you are in poverty. if you are unlucky enough to be at or below this place, you will hopefully be eligible for multiple types of assistance like Medicaid or Food Stamps.
lets say that you work a minimum wage job.
(i am going to use the federal minimum wage because we are looking at the federal poverty level. each state has the ability to create their own minimum wage)
you make $5.85 an hour and you probably work about 37 hours weekly because your employer doesn't want you to be eligible for company health insurance. you gross about $11,255 annually. you are over the federal poverty level of $10,210 annually for a single person.
based on the way the goverment looks at it you spend about $312 on food. that leaves you $626 for rent, utilities/phone, transportation and health care (because you are over the income threshold for Medicaid). considering the median rent in 2000 was $602 monthly, you're screwed. what are you going to go without? you certainly cannot afford a car and insurance, so how do you get to your job? how do you pay for public transportation? what happens if you get sick?
how much of a difference in comfort is there between the person who has an annual income of $10,000 and $13,000? not much from the way i see it. but the goverment doesn't see the latter as being in poverty.
certainly this definition of poverty is helpful for the purpose of statistics. in my opinion the current federal poverty threshold is very low, and in turn it looks like we have less poor people in our country.
what happens to all the folks just above the poverty level? there is an enormous amount of people that exist between the poverty level and the 'middle class'. these folks work hard and pay taxes. they often don't have health insurance and can't afford stable or safe housing. they have unreliable forms of transportation. they work jobs with no security and feel invaluable and overlooked. they don't vote because no one is talking about things they experience, or maybe they are just too busy 'surviving' to care.
at a time when we are cautiously hopeful for real change in the united states, i would certainly like to hear more political conversation in this area. although the idea of universal health care is optimistic, it is only one small piece of the larger puzzle. are there any politicians creating a comprehensive solution to poverty in the united states?
if so, please let me know.