uprooted.

last weekend we started one of the largest renovation projects since buying this house seven years ago. while this was long overdue and will ultimately be an immeasurable improvement, it also means that my studio has been relocated to a small little corner of a spare bedroom. i am fortunate to be able to have a studio space conveniently in my own home but as openness and light are very important to my creative process, i am feeling a bit stymied.
anyone else creatively sensitive to environment change? any suggestions?
 

showing my face.

i can't be the only one continually assessing the balance of my privacy and being accessible on the internet. i have an ever growing list of sites, pages and profiles across the web, this blog being only one of them. with the exception of my personal facebook page, it seems that i only share a certain portion of myself at each.
notably, i rarely post a photo of myself that would be considered "identifying". i realize this seems silly and it creates an unnecessary distance. what's the danger of showing my face? sure there's a ton of creepers everywhere on the internet, but there's even more potential creepers in the grocery store, at the gas station, at the gym (for serious) and in the rest of "real" life. i don't wear a mask when i go out of the house, why should i do so here?
so this weekend i decided that i needed to overcome that fear and show my face. i added self portraits to my flickr, twitter, facebook, etsy and pinterest pages.
i should mention that said self portraits are sans makeup! a brave leap indeed!

staying grounded.

i seem to have a more difficult time staying centered during the holidays.  lately it's been more challenging due to the planning of significant and transformative future events.
here are some things i always rely on to transport me back to the present moment:

•mugs of piping hot tea
•purring cats
•long walks
•cooking a hearty vegetarian meal
•being consciously still and quiet
•really looking
•taking photographs
•trips to the library
•quiet dinners with adam

what are your strategies for staying present?

recharging.

today is adam's birthday.
partly because of this, it's been a busy few days full of socializing and meeting up with folks for celebrations of different varieties.
i never was, nor ever will be a real social butterfly or party-er. i love my friends and family, but socializing as a general concept is extremely exhausting for me. i have to mentally prep myself to spend time with large groups of people. trying to shout over lots of talking or music inevitably leads to disjointed conversations where no one is sure what is going on; the times where you smile and nod because it's easier than asking for clarification. bars and concerts are fun in very small doses, but aren't where you form real lasting relationships with people.
only with the people who exist in my "inner circle" can i relax and not feel drained of energy by their presence. these are the folks that can have a thoughtful conversation about almost anything and aren't uncomfortable with silence. my best friends are people who don't need constant action, appreciate simple activities like sitting around a campfire or eating a meal together.
i am lucky that not only is adam one of those people, but he also understands how overwhelmed i can get by certain social situations. our lives are full of exceptionally awesome people and i enjoyed every moment with them this weekend.
now i am going to thoroughly appreciate spending a lazy sunday with my favorite person on his 33rd birthday.

title free.

in the song closer by melissa ferrick, there's this line: "i imagine my brain looks like a carousel on fire".  that pretty much sums me up right now.  putting together a one topic, cohesive post is unrealistic at this current juncture.  so this is what you get today:

•this summer in april business is kinda weird.  i'm not complaining, just a little freaked out.  i'm not sure if the odd weather is to blame, but our tulips are starting to bloom.  the trouble is that they are only about four inches tall.

•i find personality tests fascinating.  and comforting.  it's as though they reassure me that other people think and behave as i do.  this morning i took the jung typology test.  my result was INFJ (introverted intuitive feeling judging), also summarized as the "counselor".  i find this to be an incredibly accurate summary of me; especially this passage:
"They are highly private people, with an unusually rich, complicated inner life. Friends or colleagues who have known them for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that Counselors are flighty or scattered; they value their integrity a great deal, but they have mysterious, intricately woven personalities which sometimes puzzle even them [emphasis mine]."

•i am working on a correspondence project.  i am making what could be called postcards and intend on catching up with some old friends.  wish me luck, as keeping in touch is not one of my strong points.

•how folks can justify spending more money on their wedding (which lasts approximately 5 hours) than they do on their vehicle (which hopefully will last more than five years) is a complete mystery to me. 

•i am very particular about how i like my grocery lists made.  i want the items to be in the order in which i will (generally) encounter them in the store.  due to this idiosyncracy, i am intrigued by grocerylists.org.  looking at other people's grocery lists is oddly interesting.  considering the fact that i often abandon my grocery list in the cart when unloading my bags into the car, the chances are pretty decent that one of my lists might be featured.

paradoxical.

we recently watched halloween II, written and directed by rob zombie.  it was vividly graphic, disturbing and filled with violent death scenes.  rob zombie has a way of creating movies that make you feel like you may have accidentally picked up a snuff film.  halloween II was also haunting, in an artful sense with beautiful scene compositions and soundtrack selections.  while the critics lambasted the movie, i liked it.

i am a really big horror movie fan.  i prefer terror and gore, with a strong preference for zombies and slashers.  i always find it paradoxical that i enjoy these movies; especially as i empathize with and work to avoid the suffering of others.  it seems like going out of my way to watch fictional people get killed in terrible and traumatic ways is somehow...wrong. 
i do not feel that watching and enjoying horror movies makes me depraved.  but after watching something as unsettling as a rob zombie film, i can't help but wonder if something is seriously off in my head.  lots of research has gone into the reasons why we enjoy experiencing uncomfortable emotions triggered by movies and literature, those same emotions we avoid in "real life".  the general consensus is that we get to feel the "rush" without any true danger, leading to an emotional catharsis.
ultimately it's just entertainment, right?  enjoying horror movies isn't any different than someone choosing a drama that leaves you crying and heartbroken.
personally, i'd rather be scared than sad.  which is why i refuse to watch certain movies (marley and me), and can't wait to see others (the crazies).
anybody else like me, or do you avoid horror movies?

which way is forward?

for about the last year, i have spent a significant amount of time considering how i got to where i am now.  i suppose i am not the only person who thinks that way, but i certainly feel that others have a more certain and straight-ahead path than me.
the idea of what to be when you grow up is fascinating, mostly because i don't have any idea what that means for me.
yeah...i know that some folks might technically think that a 34 year old woman is grown up, but that's just an irrelevant detail.
this quandary is most recently triggered by my thoughts on work, "career" and talent.  you see, i went to college for something drastically different than what i do for a living now.  i have a degree in illustration, but work in non-profit human services.  how did that happen?  it's a long story and one that even i have a hard time following.
i am a talented artist, but i am also a very successful and (dare i say) talented case manager.  i enjoy seeing my clients do well and am motivated to help them improve their lives.  i have built a reputation for being thorough and effective in field work.
but have i left something behind in the process of following this path?  i certainly was not practicing art, or perhaps my case work is my art too?
needless to say, i feel that there will come a time where i jump tracks again and focus on art as work.  right now though, it feels i am walking through fog with no orientation or direction.

digital dealings.

sometimes i wonder how i've let the internet and it's culture creep into most aspects of my life.  let me be clear:  i do not regret this.  while i definitely agree that we all need to consciously "unplug" to stay sane and grounded, i also believe that used wisely, the internet allows me to streamline and share more my life.
correspondence, banking, shopping and research are all things that i do primarily on the computer.  i have certainly become dependent on digital living, but the fact that my favorite past time is hiking and backpacking shows that i am also very happy without it.
i admit to being on social networking and information sharing sites; including facebook, librarything, last.fm, yelp, delicious and twitter.  new additions include flickr and (thanks to my brother) netflix. 
am i crazy?  i don't think so. 
do i sometimes avoid phone and face to face interactions because they can be more stressful and less effective than the corresponding digital versions?  definitely!
do i have real friends and family which i can (and do) see, hug and spend quality time with?  of course!
are you like me or do you think that the internet is the beginning of the downfall of human interaction?

rumination.

it seems that my effort to do more artwork and my malaise have had a direct correlation to the amount i post on this blog. it's easier to channel those grey feelings into artwork without boring people. i hope to be able to balance the two better, because what i write here and what i post there are both important.

my mind's current disarray has made it difficult for me to focus on tasks. i find that i am prone to be easily bored. this is not a good combination for blogging as much of this medium relies on an ability to make a story out of simple things. there are a ton of simple things, and interesting things, happening in my sphere of life every day, but i can't seem to pin them down before they blow away.

i am a person who likes to document; to try to make permanent the beautiful, the ugly, the mundane. i want to remember what things felt like. blogging, photography, art: the goal is to capture a moment so that it can be shared with others. truthfully, that sharing not always possible. remembering to live right now, in the present moment, and to simply experience things is so important that worrying about documenting can be a tragic distraction. sometimes a moment, even if it's just the light in the morning and the sound of the birds at the feeder, is meant just for you. it's fleeting and won't last long. if your mind is elsewhere, you'll miss it.

the ability to genuinely experience things, burn them to memory and re-tell the story later is the talent of writers. i have never been a very good writer. maybe my writing never quite touches the resonance of the memory.

perhaps that is just how it is supposed to be.

twenty five albums.

i was hoping to dodge this meme; not because i dislike it, but because i know how much thought and time it would take.
pick 25 albums that had an impact on you...only 25?!? my tag-er, tim upped the ante by adding memories associated with each album. i am loosely organizing them in the order they influenced me. so here goes...

1) Cyndi Lauper: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. this was my FIRST album (or cassette rather). my bedroom upstairs at the salina street house.
2) R.E.M.: Green. walking to school through baldwinsville.
3) Beastie Boys: License to Ill. my father had this cassette. a road trip to a wiccian church in new hamshire made possible by skipping school.
4) The Cure: Disintegration. it's hard to pick one album here, but this one always brings back the most memories. hanging with kate and walking around downtown b'ville. pizza man.
5) Violent Femmes: Violent Femmes. indispensible album. the song she chose wasn't on this album, but i remember nicole quoss chose a VF song to play during 10th (?) grade english class and the teacher was concerned.
6) Minor Threat: Out of Step. fuel for an angsty teen. totally in love with Ian MacKaye.
7) Janes Addiction: Nothing's Shocking. completely makes me think of a party at Jen Donahue's house. eggs were thrown. skateboards were ridden.
8) They Might Be Giants: Flood. odds are that a song from this album would be on any of the mix tapes we made in high school.
9) Fugazi: 13 Songs. one of the best albums ever. songs from this album would be on the soundtrack of my life.
10) Pixies: Bossanova. high school art class and staying after school to draw.
11) The Smiths: Louder than Bombs. big black shoe posse. roller skating at the rink in baldwinsville.
12) Inside Out: No Spiritual Surrender. this album was a light in the dark for me. the lost horizon and hardcore shows. taco bell.
13) Beck: One Foot In The Grave. moving back to syracuse and our first apartment.
14) Indigo Girls: Rites of Passage. one year at OCC. driving the dodge omni.
15) G Love & Special Sauce: G Love & Special Sauce. green haired nick and...that other guy. going to taughannock falls and throwing unopened cans of garbanzo beans in the campfire.
16) The Toasters: Dub 56. late night trips to Wegmans. dave.
17) Ani Difranco: Puddle Dive. some coffeeshop on the SU campus. getting ready to move to buffalo.
18) KRS One: Return of the Boom Bap. long studio sessions at the center for the arts at UB.
19) Zap Mama: Sabsylma. my first apartment alone on elmwood ave in buffalo.
20) Medeski, Martin and Wood: Last Chance to Dance Trance (Perhaps). working at the brewpub in glens falls. closing the restaurant and going to the bars.
21) Q Tip: Amplified. leaving two terrible, consecutive relationships. getting my life back in order. driving with the windows down in the jeep. RSS.
22) Metric: Old World Underground, Where Are You Now? finding my path and motivation.
23) Tegan and Sara: So Jealous. being in the best, most simple/awesome/supportive relationship. home repair. crandall library.
24) Aesop Rock: None Shall Pass. my brother and learning that he'll be a father (and me an aunt!).
25) The Weepies: Say I Am You. driving back from the HIV clinic. feeling helpless and inspired by client's struggles with addiction.

honorable mentions: 7 Seconds: The Crew, Killcreek: St Valentine's Garage, New Order: Substance, everything sung by Ella Fitzgerald, Sonic Youth: Dirty, Blackalicious: Nia, Tori Amos: From the Choirgirl Motel, the Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack and INXS: Listen Like Theives.

sharing.

•my new favorite television show is "I Survived...". it's voyeuristic and scary and inspirational all at the same time. these people live through nightmares and impossible situations. i don't know how i missed it for so long...well, maybe i do...it's on the biography channel.

•i got a flat tire (today) by running over a piece of iron in the road roughly the size of a bear trap. it was hidden in a pothole covered in snow melt. maybe it really was a trap. it sucked. it also made me realize just how dependent (both practically and emotionally) i am on my vehicle. also that i am unable to loosen lugnuts. i pretty much lost my marbles thinking i would go for more than an hour without my car.

•i am not against drinking boxed red wine. in the effort of full disclosure, i am drinking it right now.

•we are very close to having a wii "problem" in our household. i am not a gamer but i really love the wii (i think this dreadful winter is partially to blame). adam just got Tiger Woods '09, but my current favorite is either Mushroom Men or Shawn White Road Trip (on the balance board of course).

•the garden seeds have been ordered for the 2009 growing season. we limited the catalogs to two; Seeds of Change and Totally Tomatoes. now we just need to set up the third bedroom "greenhouse". experiments for this year will be edamame and eggplant. hopefully we will avoid the blossom end rot on the tomatoes this time around...

•i am trying very hard to read Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson. it was leant to me (about a zillion years ago) by our super-volunteer receptionist, kathryn. it was leant to her by someone else. i feel pressured to read it and sort of "report" on it...

twenty five things.

this is copied from my facebook page. i was tagged for this exceptionally viral meme over there...

1. when asked to do something like this, i freeze. there are more than a million 'things' about me, but when prompted it's almost impossible to come up with any.

2. i am not a morning person. i have gotten better at this as i have gotten older. sleeping in means getting up at 9:30-10:00 AM now.

3. i worked as a waitress for much of my college+ years. i worked at a local brew pub for more than two years. i still miss that work at times. i also have actual nightmares about forgetting orders, getting in the weeds, etc.

4. i worked a summer as a house painter; mostly exterior jobs. i was definitely the only woman i worked with. it's also the first time (that i know of) i worked with someone who smoked crack cocaine. i also had the opportunity to go into many of the most fabulous homes in the area.

5. i think very seriously about going back to college for another degree but cannot decide on what to focus on. there are too many things i would like to do.

6. i have an aversion to heights. this made climbing 40 foot ladders for the painting job very interesting.

7. i do not like clutter.

8. i think most people misunderstand me. this does not generally bother me. this just makes the people who do understand me very, very special.

9. i firmly believe that we are all good people but are too selfish to act that way most times. some people get "lost"; whether by circumstances out of their control or because they are motivated by selfish and empty things.

10. it takes a long time for me to develop real friendship. once i do it's a done deal. you will have to go out of your way to dissolve that connection.

11. i do not like to talk on the telephone. people often interpret this as rudeness or as being aloof. i just don't like to talk that much.

12. i can be very terrible at keeping up correspondence. if you happen to be the unlucky non-recipient of my correspondence, please know that i love you just the same but....

13. ...i am a successful procrastinator.

14. i hate it when people ask a question and they don't care about your answer. usually this is either a "polite" gesture or because they are setting up a transition to talking about themselves.

15. i think fugazi is one of the best bands. ever.

16. i have been vegetarian since age 15.

17. i used to be straight edge. i can still give lots of good reasons for being straight edge. i cannot give a good reason for why i started drinking alcohol.

18. i am a feminist.

19. i do not generally like to be around large groups of strangers.

20. i need a lot of private "down" time to recharge and remain centered. i find socializing very taxing, unless it's with my closest friends and family.

21. i do not want children. i never have.

22. i am offended when people assume that i do not want children because i "hate kids". or when they get defensive because they think i question their choice to have children.

23. my dream home would be a small log cabin on many acres of land in the adirondacks. i believe this is a possibility for me, albeit a far off one.

24. i love the adirondacks. they are a comfort and a challenge to me. they are my home.

25. i often believe i could successfully be a hermit.

*clever title line*

the holidays have taxed my reserves of externally focused energy. i am now in an internal recharge status. and although this blog is a relatively detached type of external reflection, it seems to have been given the shaft for the past few weeks. not that this is upsetting me much...i mean, there are no obligations here. and my sense is that few folks are in despair over the two week posting drought.
of course there are interesting things happening and astoundingly astute observations being made on my part. but they are just not making it here to this cyber depository.
i have also made a commitment to trying to catch up on my reading. books, that is. you know, the bound paper things that don't need to be plugged in, turned on or downloaded? it helps that i have a fantastic newly remodeled library just a few blocks down the road. (right now i am reading 'Stiff' by Mary Roach and 'The Foodlover's Atlas of the World'...if you were wondering)
i am not departing from this forum, but i did feel the need to "check in". no worries my peeps.

seven random & weird things about me.

i've been tagged.

i feel honored that it is by one of the talented and compassionate creators of earthdog products. kym and her husband make the hemp collars and harnesses (among many other things) that crosbi has worn for her whole life. she also writes a great blog about their life with 16 rescued dogs.

now i will test your patience by telling you these seven things:

1. i hate talking on the telephone. really i do. i obviously cannot avoid it at work or i would not be very employable, but i (almost) never answer the home phone. due to my aversion to the telephone, i did not have a cell phone until very recently. i only have one now because adam felt i needed one "in case of emergency" (this is what our society has come to). i barely know how to use it and it tends to have a dead battery more often than not. although i am finding i am not so terribly averted to texting...

2. i love tater tots. that's not a joke (although i also have the tee shirt). this is unusual because i tend to prefer less processed and more "natural" food items. but there is something about that nutritionless, shredded potato deliciousness that is...well...delicious. i began this obsession by eating them strickly tossed in frank's hot sauce and dipped in blue cheese (a vegetarian chicken wing of sorts), but now have moved onto all sorts of other creations. this could be another whole blog post.

3. i generally sleep better with a certain textured blanket next to my skin (which means, if you have clever deduction skills, that i sleep in the nude *ahem*). the texture that works for me is what i call "waffle". i think it's marketed as a "thermal" blanket...sort of like thermal undies. adam likes to call this my "blankie" as i do not share it and often wrap myself up in it like a human burrito.

4. i LOVE the snow but hate the cold. yeah, i know. this is a combo which leads to disappointment. maybe it would be more appropriate to say that i hate to BE cold, but that is pretty much unavoidable living in upstate new york. still, i love to be outside in the winter and find a heavy snowfall very peaceful.

5. i have very random and sporadic tastes in music. i am definitely a radio flipper. i am now completely addicted to having my ipod in the car (i drive a lot for work) so that i don't get so frustrated with radio stations inability to keep up with my rapidly changing and schizophrenic choice of song at the moment.

6. i love sticky notes. i don't know if i could work without them. they are everywhere on my desk and i carry them in my bag to post reminders at client's homes. in addition, i generally must have multiple different sticky note color choices.

7. i am very particular about how my grocery list is written. the items must be written in the order that they will be found in the grocery store. if adam puts an item on the list in a random spot (which he usually does), i probably will restart the list. i think i got this idiosyncracy from my father. adam thanks you dad!

so there it is.
now my job is to tag seven others who will have to follow these basic rules:

* link your original tagger(s), and list these rules on your blog.
* share seven facts about yourself in the post - some random, some weird.
* tag seven people at the end of your post by leaving their names and the links to their blogs.
* let them know they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blogs and/or twitter.

the tags go to just a few of my favorite blog reads:
tending violet
a walk in the park
city elf
woods wanderer
mealy monster land
return to rural
city mouse, country house
now, i know some of you folks have been tagged for similar things before...but too bad (sucks to be popular, eh?). i know i can think of more than seven strange, odd, weird or otherwise unusual things to post about myself. if you can't, then i am jealous.

holiday spirit.

this time of year is often very conflicted for me.
it is such a confusing cloud of religion, consumerism and materialism.
although very loosely raised a lutheran, i don't hold any real attachment to christianity now. there was a time when i looked to find a religion that "fit" my beliefs but i never found much success.
basically, i believe that our job "here" is to be happy, live simply and improve life around us in whatever small way we can manage. respect everything and everyone's beliefs even if they seem to conflict with your own.
that's it. no judgments, threats, obligations, punishments, ceremonies, preaching, conversions, praying, idols, special hats, etc.
having said that, i respect christmas and what the core value of it is. but generally i don't think that christmas is about jesus for most folks who celebrate it. it's about the rush to buy stuff and show love through being a consumer.
does this stuff enrich us? does it make us happier? most importantly, does the stuff even matter?
it seems a bit twisted to me.
certainly, i am not even addressing the fact that the united states is a multicultural nation where not everyone is a christian (face it! it's not a bad thing!!!). and that by adopting christmas as a nationally celebrated holiday, we are unofficially adopting christianity as our unofficial religion. and that throwing in hanukkah is a very token attempt to be open minded. and that still ignores the multitude of other religions that exist. well, you get the point...
bah humbug, right?

annual physical.

i went to the doctor today.
actually, that deserves more detail. i go to doctors appointments many times a week, but they are other peoples doctors appointments. this one was for me. and that is an expressly different experience.
i got my first ever flu shot. you would think i would have the insight to have gotten the vaccine in past years, considering i am always telling people how important they are. you see, i am not a fan of the hypodermic needle. they give me the heebs.
at least i wasn't getting blood drawn. i swear i can feel the blood being pulled out of me. unfortunately i did leave the doctors with a blood draw order.
i must be the only patient that ever asks how many tubes will likely be taken. the higher the number the more likely i am to postpone the appointment.
uuuuggghhhhh.