sunshine.

you know that moment when you are outside for the first time in long time and the sun is shining so strongly that even though there's still snow on the ground you can comfortably walk around with just a fleece jacket?
yeah. that moment happened for me yesterday.
i could smell the end of winter and the beginning of spring. then i realized just how much time i have spent holed up in walled spaces all winter and it made me feel claustrophobic to think that i will have to go back inside.
one of my many favorite things about winter up north is how absolutely grateful it makes you of the sun. each spring is like the first spring and everything is possible.

cheers!

welcome 2013!
against all odds we survived the mayan apocalypse and didn't fall off the fiscal cliff.
here's hoping this new year is filled with more love and peace than we saw in 2012. the news is so persistently full of violence and our leaders seem stuck in a position of juvenile obstinance. i don't claim to have the answers, but can't imagine that if we all dare to be better than we have to, make thoughtful compromises, and most importantly, cultivate love then we can't vere too far off the path.

that one breath.

it's been difficult to keep grounded in this last week. my mind insists on circling around overwhelmingly pessimistic ideas and unlikely negative outcomes. it's as though my thoughts are possessed by a malevolent entity. not that i believe in that type of thing, but it is certainly more comforting to think that i am not at all responsible for my own sour energy.
what i find most challenging is that i am conscious of the fact that these thoughts are negative and unproductive, yet it is hard to wipe them away for more than a brief period.

if i sound painfully vague, it's not because i am trying to be dramatic or hide anything. there have been no tragedies or traumatic events. i am not depressed. it's just that there are some days that i need to force myself to see the beauty in the clouds rather than get washed out by the grey. 

self doubt is born of comparison to others, despite the fact that the reference point is frequently edited. often it feels phony, like self-help psychotherapy but eventually the positive incantations feel less like stumbling in the dark and more like an opportunity to be better at life. 

i realize that the instinct to run away is counterproductive and digging in is just what is needed. the most important thing we can do as humans is to try to clean up our dark spaces so that they don't infect someone else. perhaps most importantly we must prevent those dark spaces from convincing us that we aren't the stunning, awe inspiring, talented and invaluable people we really are.

in my attempt to understand, i just make things more complicated. when i realize that things won't always make sense to my personal logic i can breathe. 

that breath, the physical inhaling and exhaling of it, is all that matters. this is all i need to know.

lullaby.

it's as though the water is saying, "shush. there is nothing to stress about. it is all how it is supposed to be."

nightime at roaring brook falls.

nightime at roaring brook falls a video by reneé leigh on Flickr.

Via Flickr:
we hiked in at dusk from the trailhead where we "camped", wearing flip flops, encountering a deer and a raccoon on the way.

seek out the brightness.

most times i write here, i don't really know what will come out. i don't normally sit down with a plan or an outline. i just let what's on the edge of my mind jump off.
that is probably some of the reason i don't post as frequently as some bloggers do. my writing is dependent on the rare convergence of being in front of the laptop, having the time and the clarity to let the simmering thoughts flow into written words.
the last two weeks have flown by in a blur of activity, tasks and planning. while the great majority of it has been fun and positive, it's easy to get stressed by the pace at which things need to be completed. it shouldn't be difficult to keep focused on the positive but sometimes the rush of time is like the tide and before you know it, you're caught up in it and have to fight your way out.
and then sometimes you don't realize the grey shade you are casting on all of your brightness until a single event stops you in your tracks.
two days ago i was stopped in my tracks.
a client of almost eight years passed away. folks who know what i do might think this would be easy or routine, but it's really not. this loss was especially poignant because of the long term relationship she and i developed and her abrupt decline.
over the years i have gotten to know this woman well but when i stepped into that ICU room, she wasn't present. only a small ghost of herself was there. just enough of her to recall to but not enough to connect. her eyes were open and searching. i tried to talk to her. i looked up at her now grown son, on emergency leave from active military duty, and without words we knew each others thoughts. she was leaving us and this is not how she would want to go. in her life and even in her early illness, she was bold and strong. she rode harley-davidsons. she wasn't afraid of single motherhood and took full responsibility without ever complaining. until she was too ill to continue, she worked as an HIV nurse caring for people with the same illness she would eventually contract. when i first met her she would wake up with a beer and drink straight until bedtime. then one day she stopped. just like that. when i suggested support groups she would say to me, "i don't need that. i made up my mind to stop and so i did."
we are all full of so much strength and possibility. we can make what we need. we can set our own pace and create our own environments.
we should try to see this everyday and not just when we are faced with such a tragic juxtaposition that we can no longer ignore our own blessings.
so right now, i will look around and be grateful. i will see the brightness. i will seek it out even through the grey moments.
and i will remember this woman. not as she was in that ICU bed, but as the one who lived the life she wanted and made the best of it.

knee deep.

i am completely engrossed in a commissioned project right now and it is leaving me little spare mental power to put meaningful words together into a post here.
'tis the season to feel overwhelmingly busy and one step behind. try as i might to avoid that trap, it seems that i always find myself digging out and trying to justify down-time.
i suppose i am no different than the rest of us mere mortals, trying to slow time down unrealistically. when things seem to be spinning, hot tea helps and so does turning the television off. (we have a terrible household habit of the television being on even if no one is watching it.) i find that taking the time to prepare a recipe or snap some photographs puts time back on track too.
what ways do you all stay sane this time of year?

thirty sixth year.

yesterday was my thirty sixth birthday.
i do not feel any different and i certainly don't feel any wiser.
i do, however feel extremely grateful.
i am surrounded by amazing and sincere people, both family and friends.
i have a humble, yet comfortable home.
i have a rewarding job and am making strides at building a more art focused career.
i am able to save a little money and may someday pay off my student loans.
i have an extraordinarily awesome husband who cooks, cleans and takes me out for fancy dinners.
my wish for my thirty sixth year is to explore life with curiosity, allowing everything to have value and to not lose sight of how the simplest things have the greatest impact on my personal evolution.

saturday.

i can't help but jump on the bandwagon and mention the absolutely, ultra fabulous weather we are having here in northern new york. we are reaping the visual benefits of fall as well as the warmth and outdoor relaxation abilities of summer.
saturday was spent with our friends moses and cheryl at their camp on glen lake. cheryl took their 7 month old daughter, addison out on the lake in a kayak for the first time; an early introduction to the outdoor experiences that will enrich her throughout her life.
we spent the afternoon talking about both the ups and downs of adult life. friendship was a major topic of conversation as it can be effortless and sustaining, but when the balance somehow changes, that same relationship can be exhausting and exploitative. what is the best way to repair a friendship that is being used as a resource by one person and feels thankless to the other? i believe it's possible to rectify something so important, but only if each party is willing to own their role and is willing to change.
the night ended after dinner with a roaring fire under the stars. if there any better way to end a day of unpretentious time sharing space with good people, i certainly can't think of one.

the things i'll remember.

is it grainy? i can't tell. all i see is happy. (iphone photo snapped by adam the night before the wedding)

you receive a lot of advice from people when you're planning to get married. most folks who have had a wedding will tell you to not sweat the small stuff. they remind you to drink up every drop of the wedding day because it all goes by so fast.
the one thing no one told me about having a wedding, is how much the people who attend make the event what it is.
does that sound too simple? in hindsight, it seems so obvious that i can't possibly imagine how i didn't consider it.
it's more that the actual guest list, more than the names and relationships. it's the actual energy that each of those people bring to day, or weekend in our case. i literally got swept away by our guests energy for two straight days. i admittedly got a little too swept away (read: intoxicated) by the energy the night before the wedding, although everyone wanting to toast and buy drinks didn't help.
the things i will remember will not be the exact color of the table cloths or the way the cake looked, it will be things like:
•the way i felt when i first saw my college friend, robyn at the welcome dinner after a decade of separation
•how i felt running into many of our guests at the outdoor lounge at the hotel the night before the wedding and subsequently partying it up
•how moses' cell phone went off during our wedding toast at the reception and consequently roasting him for it
•our entire family all getting out on the dance floor and rocking some sweet moves
•my brother's absolute and utter seriousness about being the perfect DJ-which he was
•the electric feeling of standing in front of everyone you love, pledging a forever commitment and knowing they all support you
•adam's brother making a toast, completely impromptu
•our photographer, monica getting out on the dance floor and jamming out with all of us
•running into my future sister-in-law, gretchen in the bathroom at the perfect time because i had not correctly fastened my strapless bra into the back of my dress
really, i could go on and on. these things that i will remember are not the things you can plan. these memories are precious. seeing our loved ones make new friendships, renew ties, pool their energy and become a community are what made our wedding the most meaningful single event of our combined lives.

down the rabbit hole.

.white ranunculus.

i realize i haven't been around here much. i'm sure you understand why.
life has been extremely vivid in the last few weeks. on any given day i can travel swiftly through every emotion possible and sense each one exquisitely. it's amazing the capacity of our sensory experience and how easily we break connection with it. it can be overwhelming to sit in those emotions, both joyful and stressful.
i am trying to be present for everything; even the small volcanoes of worry. hurricane irene brought not only rain our way but also a large dose of unexpected weather related logistic and travel issues that we could have never anticipated. all is well though, which is what i continue to remind myself after each seemingly plan-altering incident. i am not immune to trying to control and analyze, but i also know that happy accidents occur every moment.
i am currently sitting here at the laptop, carving out a little bit of time to record my thoughts even though there are hundreds of fresh flowers sitting on the porch needing attention. those under-hydrated flowers will wait, because this moment is much more fragile and fleeting.
in a few short days i will be simultaneously floating buoyantly with joy and white knuckling my experiences to try to drip every last precious feeling out of them. i will not only vow my unending love to my life partner, but will vow to be present in each moment to the best of my human abilities.
perhaps i won't have another moment to drop in to this blog before the big event. if not, i will be back shortly after. until then, please, enjoy each of your own moments and fully experience what each has to offer!

.yellow craspedia.

diving into the mundane.

it's a gorgeous day; a sunday none the less. sunday's are the only day of the week where it feels completely okay to lounge around.
not that there has been much lounging around going on in this house lately. today we spent some time taking care of the day-to-day essential household upkeep that has been neglected in lieu of escort cards, vendor payments, cake toppers, timeline freak-outs and other wedding logistic shenanigans.
i spent two hours fighting back the weeds that have taken over the garden. the perennials are in need of division but that will have to wait until later. all i could manage was to dead head the whole lot which was more of a dance to avoid the bees. my arch enemy, the neighbors grapevine, continues to slowly destroy our lilac trees and the rotting fence that divides our properties. it seems to grow faster the more i attack it. yet i still engage in the battle.
gardening and diving into it's mundane activities is good for me right now.
it's settling and grounding, if at least for a moment before i jump back into the whirlwind.

the push and pull.

on the porch with the sun beginning to heat the room to a point where it was just starting to become uncomfortable, we saw a butterfly fly by the open screen window drifting from purple coneflower to zinnia and back again. we stopped talking to watch it.

we were talking about the wedding, which is what we seem to always be talking about recently. the details of the two day event have risen from a softly tinkling stream to a whitewater rapid as though we have entered some type of marital monsoon season.

i mentioned that my mind doesn't seem to be working as i normally anticipate. of course, i am still making lists and checking off boxes but there is a constant, frenetic energy that seems to be short circuiting the mechanisms of my mind; especially those that control important functions such as concentration, organization and emotional balance. i said, "i feel like there are hundreds of racquetballs catapulting around in my head".
it's funny how fine a line there is between excitement, anticipation and anxiety.

in one of the seemingly hundreds of emails i sent out in the last few weeks, i wrote about the paradoxical feelings that are always bubbling in me lately. everything is staying the same and yet everything is changing. i want the day to hurry up and get here, yet i wish time would slow down so i can savor the anticipation. we are eager to control the details so that all of our favorite people will be as touched as we surely will be and yet we know that even if we did nothing, the day would be perfect. 

it is just one day, yet it will only happen once in a lifetime.

i find myself searching for mantras; things that can get me through the times where everything seems to be so swiftly spinning. but mostly i need to remember to just breathe and enjoy the ride.

sacandaga.

i am too tired for words right now, so here's a quick photo taste of the immensely awesome and relaxing trip to the sacandaga state campground with our friends matt and simone.
we ate like gluttons, drank like college kids, floated around in the river making cairns and wading pools, avoided sunburn, hunted the full moon and laughed around the fire until we were all in tears.
i wish we could have stayed for a week, but we were able to able to squeeze more memories into two and a half days than can be counted.

seriously. find it. watch it.

adam and i watched the human experience last night; which i can honestly say is the most humbling documentary i have seen in a long time. or maybe the most humbling film i have ever seen. it was hard to keep it together through certain portions of the film. it's heartbreaking and overwhelmingly inspiring at the same time.
just when you think you can choke back tears, the soundtrack rips you apart.
please...find it & watch it.

a pause.

in the last few weeks i have been assaulted with the feeling that i should be doing something all the time; that not a moment can be wasted. i work a full time human services job and come home to my art work, the gym, dinner, wedding planning and assorted other adult-type tasks. it's easy to get caught up in looking towards the future, even if only a few hours ahead, rather than focusing on the current moment.
but now each time i open my web browser or turn on the television i am briskly reminded that all of the small worries of day to day life are trivial. across the ocean is country of people who are dealing with the aftermath of an earthquake, followed by a tsunami and now a pending nuclear crisis. these noble people are not concerned with thoughts and plans outside of the "right now", it is merely survival and grief and uncertainty.
it seems as good a time as any to look around, recognize what is truly essential, appreciate what you have and discard of frivolous concerns...and perhaps to lend a hand to our japanese brothers and sisters.