two years ago.

the ceremony.

(photo by Monica Donovan of Eve Event Photography)

We are gathered here today in the presence of family and friends to join Adam and Reneé in the bonds of matrimony. You have each been invited to witness this event to honor the individual role you have played in fostering who Adam and Reneé are, how they arrived at this day and the couple they have become. Without the love and support of everyone here, this union could not have been made.

He Never Leaves The Seat Up by Pam Ayres

He never leaves the seat up

Or wet towels upon the floor

The toothpaste has the lid on

And he always shuts the door!

She’s very clean and tidy

Though she may sometimes delude

Leave your things out at your peril

In a second they’ll have moved!

He’s a very active person

As are all his next of kin

Where as she likes lazy days

He’ll still drag her to the gym!

He romances her and dines her

Home cooked dinners and the like

He even knows her favorite food

And spoils her day and night!

She’s thoughtful when he looks at her

A smile upon his face

Will he look that good in 50 years

When his dentures aren’t in place?!

He says he loves her figure

And her mental prowess too

But when gravity takes her over

Will she charm with her IQ?

She says she loves his kindness

And his patience is a must

And of course she thinks he’s handsome

Which in her eyes is a plus!

They’re both not wholly perfect

But who are we to judge

He can be pig headed

Where as she won’t even budge!

All that said and done

They love the time they spent together

And I hope as I’m sure you do

That this fine day will last forever.

He’ll be more than just her husband

He’ll also be her friend

And she’ll be more than just his wife

She’ll be his soul mate ‘till the end.

Adam and Reneé will now read the vows they have written to each other.

“Reneé, I admit my love for you on this day in front of our friends and family. I invite you to share my life as I hope to share yours. I promise to always hike by your side, to love, help and inspire you and embarrass you by singing out loud every song I have in my mental jukebox regardless of where we are. I pledge to take time to share with you, to listen to you, respect you and most importantly bring you coffee in bed every morning. For the rest of our lives Reneé, I promise to share your laughter and your tears not only as your partner, but also as your friend.”

“Adam, I am here today surrounded by all of our most important people to tell you I love you and to promise that I will forever. You are my best friend and my constant support. You have made me a better person in more ways that I can name. Sharing my life with you feels natural and I cannot imagine a day without you. I promise to forever laugh with you, to always support you and to give you the best of myself for the rest of my days.”

With this ring, do you, Adam, in the respect and confidence of your own individuality, acknowledge within yourself that same respect and confidence for this woman, Reneé, in the certainty that you will share the deepest of all your emotions: aware also that you may share, but not know, for in knowing you deny the person that she is?

“I do.”

With this ring, do you, Reneé, in the respect and confidence of your own individuality, acknowledge within yourself that same respect and confidence for this man, Adam, in the certainty that you will share the deepest of all your emotions: aware also that you may share, but not know, for in knowing you deny the person that he is.

“I do.”

Adam and Reneé, inasmuch as you have have promised to share your joys and tribulations in the bond of marriage; I, in accordance with the authority vested in my by the law of the State of New York, now pronounce you husband and wife.

the things i'll remember.

is it grainy? i can't tell. all i see is happy. (iphone photo snapped by adam the night before the wedding)

you receive a lot of advice from people when you're planning to get married. most folks who have had a wedding will tell you to not sweat the small stuff. they remind you to drink up every drop of the wedding day because it all goes by so fast.
the one thing no one told me about having a wedding, is how much the people who attend make the event what it is.
does that sound too simple? in hindsight, it seems so obvious that i can't possibly imagine how i didn't consider it.
it's more that the actual guest list, more than the names and relationships. it's the actual energy that each of those people bring to day, or weekend in our case. i literally got swept away by our guests energy for two straight days. i admittedly got a little too swept away (read: intoxicated) by the energy the night before the wedding, although everyone wanting to toast and buy drinks didn't help.
the things i will remember will not be the exact color of the table cloths or the way the cake looked, it will be things like:
•the way i felt when i first saw my college friend, robyn at the welcome dinner after a decade of separation
•how i felt running into many of our guests at the outdoor lounge at the hotel the night before the wedding and subsequently partying it up
•how moses' cell phone went off during our wedding toast at the reception and consequently roasting him for it
•our entire family all getting out on the dance floor and rocking some sweet moves
•my brother's absolute and utter seriousness about being the perfect DJ-which he was
•the electric feeling of standing in front of everyone you love, pledging a forever commitment and knowing they all support you
•adam's brother making a toast, completely impromptu
•our photographer, monica getting out on the dance floor and jamming out with all of us
•running into my future sister-in-law, gretchen in the bathroom at the perfect time because i had not correctly fastened my strapless bra into the back of my dress
really, i could go on and on. these things that i will remember are not the things you can plan. these memories are precious. seeing our loved ones make new friendships, renew ties, pool their energy and become a community are what made our wedding the most meaningful single event of our combined lives.

it's official.

we're married!
we just got home from our honeymoon and are awkwardly settling back into "real" life.
i'll be posting more in the next few days, but for now here's a quick iphone picture i snapped of the bouquet i made at our sweetheart table at the reception.

down the rabbit hole.

.white ranunculus.

i realize i haven't been around here much. i'm sure you understand why.
life has been extremely vivid in the last few weeks. on any given day i can travel swiftly through every emotion possible and sense each one exquisitely. it's amazing the capacity of our sensory experience and how easily we break connection with it. it can be overwhelming to sit in those emotions, both joyful and stressful.
i am trying to be present for everything; even the small volcanoes of worry. hurricane irene brought not only rain our way but also a large dose of unexpected weather related logistic and travel issues that we could have never anticipated. all is well though, which is what i continue to remind myself after each seemingly plan-altering incident. i am not immune to trying to control and analyze, but i also know that happy accidents occur every moment.
i am currently sitting here at the laptop, carving out a little bit of time to record my thoughts even though there are hundreds of fresh flowers sitting on the porch needing attention. those under-hydrated flowers will wait, because this moment is much more fragile and fleeting.
in a few short days i will be simultaneously floating buoyantly with joy and white knuckling my experiences to try to drip every last precious feeling out of them. i will not only vow my unending love to my life partner, but will vow to be present in each moment to the best of my human abilities.
perhaps i won't have another moment to drop in to this blog before the big event. if not, i will be back shortly after. until then, please, enjoy each of your own moments and fully experience what each has to offer!

.yellow craspedia.

just another day.

you know, just going to city hall...


...and getting our marriage license.
as a side note; i decided to change my last name...to 'awesome'. ha! of course not (although i could if i wanted), but after some deliberation i will be taking adam's surname. it was a more challenging decision than i anticipated.

the push and pull.

on the porch with the sun beginning to heat the room to a point where it was just starting to become uncomfortable, we saw a butterfly fly by the open screen window drifting from purple coneflower to zinnia and back again. we stopped talking to watch it.

we were talking about the wedding, which is what we seem to always be talking about recently. the details of the two day event have risen from a softly tinkling stream to a whitewater rapid as though we have entered some type of marital monsoon season.

i mentioned that my mind doesn't seem to be working as i normally anticipate. of course, i am still making lists and checking off boxes but there is a constant, frenetic energy that seems to be short circuiting the mechanisms of my mind; especially those that control important functions such as concentration, organization and emotional balance. i said, "i feel like there are hundreds of racquetballs catapulting around in my head".
it's funny how fine a line there is between excitement, anticipation and anxiety.

in one of the seemingly hundreds of emails i sent out in the last few weeks, i wrote about the paradoxical feelings that are always bubbling in me lately. everything is staying the same and yet everything is changing. i want the day to hurry up and get here, yet i wish time would slow down so i can savor the anticipation. we are eager to control the details so that all of our favorite people will be as touched as we surely will be and yet we know that even if we did nothing, the day would be perfect. 

it is just one day, yet it will only happen once in a lifetime.

i find myself searching for mantras; things that can get me through the times where everything seems to be so swiftly spinning. but mostly i need to remember to just breathe and enjoy the ride.

have you heard?

"a man can be wiser today than yesterday" - senator mark grisanti

yesterday the state of new york finally got it right.
the senate approved the bill supporting marriage equality and governor andrew cuomo signed it into law; making it legal for all loving, committed couples to share the joys, struggles and legal protections of marriage in the state of new york.
adam and i were watching the live stream of the senate debate on baited breath. perhaps i was sipping to heavily on my wine, but this bit of history is long overdue. when the votes were read, i didn't breathe. i cried. i googled the affirmative vote over and over just to be absolutely sure i didn't play a trick on myself to avoid being heartbroken by a defeat.
i am particularly humbled that this bill was passed through a republican senate, when just two years ago the democratic senate voted a similar bill for same sex marriage down. this year, three republican senators in specific made this possible, one of whom spoke during the vote. i included the full video of his statement above because it is evidence of how our government is supposed to work and how our elected officials should represent us. i am a staunch democrat but would like to high-five senator grisanti for his bravery and candor. his vote for equality will go down in the history books and i sure hope it garners him many long years in public office.
this law is a most excellent wedding gift, but is only the beginning of the journey. now we need to get this equality party off of the east coast. it's six states down and forty-four left to go. hint, hint california...get on this train!

loose ends.

on the deli side

adam and i day-tripped to lake placid yesterday to make the final arrangements for our (non) rehearsal dinner. we decided on big mountain deli & creperie. while it functions primarily as a coffee/sandwich shop, they also run dinner service at certain times of the year. the catering menu was extremely long, impressive and offered vegetarian choices that actually interested me. portabella wellington? yes, please! plus, who doesn't like crepes?

on the dining side

it's a tight space, but the owner assured us we would all fit; especially as they will shut down for our private party. we'll be able to use the space for as long as we like. there will be a full bar with local beers and a specially chosen, made-to-order crepe menu.

photo courtesy of giants view lodge

we also sent a deposit towards our honeymoon location, giant's view lodge. i may just be the most excited about this part of the wedding! this 3,000 square feet lodge is mid-way up porter mountain. we'll have the whole place to ourselves for a week. the lodge is pet friendly so we can bring our dog, crosbi. it's only 2 miles from the garden trailhead and you can hike little porter from the backyard in 45 minutes!

and now for something completely different.

if you've been dropping by for a while, you may recall my semi-recent engagement and my aversion to the wedding industry, heteronormative, pretty-pretty princess bridedom thing.
our wedding planning process may be a little more lackadaisical and slow paced than most, but we are making small steps forward.
i now have a dress.  i was able to purchase it for $50 (including shipping!) and therefore stayed well within our super small budget.  it is strange to have this dress in my closet.  it seems to carry so much more identity than any other piece of clothing.  weird, huh?
we have also nailed down the total budget and started a "savings plan".  a surprise bit of generosity has allowed us to have a honeymoon.  we had previously decided that a honeymoon immediately following the wedding wasn't going to be financially possible.  now we are overwhelmed with the possibilities.  we're 99% sure it'll be a trip to one of the national parks; most likely Glacier, but also in the running are Yellowstone, Yosemite and Denali.

next step:  visiting our short list of potential reception venues.  yikes!

sojourn.

it was a busy week.

first there was World AIDS Day, which is always emotional for me.  it's a time for me to reflect on the people i have known and lost to this virus and to remember how fortunate i am to be in good health.  adam and i attended the local observance in Glens Falls.  like last year, i wound up being quoted in the Post Star's write up of the event.

then there was the ridiculously disappointing vote by the NY State senate rejecting marriage equality.  like so many other residents, i was instantly embarrassed to live in NY.  i mean, WTF? 

so when we were invited by some friends to spend the weekend "up north" it was a welcome opportunity to decompress.  we went up to wilmington, ny and stayed at a handmade camp built by our hostess's uncle.  the place was gorgeous and all i could imagine was living there full time.  the place was essentially in the shadow of whiteface mountain, had it's own leanto and hiking trail. we spent nearly the entire time outside by the fire relaxing, catching up and making new friends.

it's amazing how taking a small moment to get together and go outside can bring you back to center.

my only complaint would be the lack of snow, although we did wake up to a light dusting in the trees.

heavy stuff.

since my engagement, i have been struggling to find a comfort level with weddings, being a "bride", being a "wife" and marriage in general due to my strongly held beliefs about equality, feminism and heterosexism.
to be clear, i am enormously happy and am completely certain that adam and i are meant to be partnered for life. it was obvious to me early on that something was different about my relationship with adam; something comfortable and grounding. our strengths and weaknesses balance each other well, we share similar interests and life goals. we both knew we were in it for the long haul. neither of us are very traditional and since we don't want children, marriage was never a really big issue. but now that forming a legally recognized union is happily part of the plan, i have to negotiate a difficult path.
my feelings about marriage are complicated. i hold marriage in high regard even though i am not particularly religious. but i also discount marriage because it is an elitist club which is rooted in sexist traditions.
i feel more than a little bit guilty that i can marry my partner because i happened to have fallen in love with a man. i believe strongly in marriage equality and originally felt that i would not marry adam until any consenting and loving couple could marry. i now wonder what that choice accomplishes. i'm pretty sure my choosing to not marry my opposite sex life partner in protest to inequality isn't having any affect on changing laws. actually, the state of New York is probably getting a bigger chunk of my paycheck for this act of protest. i am slowly coming to the realization that my marrying a man isn't sabotaging my commitment to marriage equality, although it isn't assuaging my guilty feelings.
from a feminist perspective, the concept of the wedding is a veritable minefield. i am no militant, but i can see why some of the "traditions" associated with weddings could be triggering. a few examples being that there is a lot of implied ownership (what am i, livestock?), there is the word "obey" (i will not), and there is the white dress/virginity thing (no comment). ultimately, i will take out or adjust the parts of the wedding ceremony that are not aligned with my personal beliefs but i still struggle with conflicting feelings. is my wish to have my father walk me down the aisle undermining my principles, or is it a heartfelt gesture of respect for the man who was an integral part of making me the feminist i am today?
there is no easy solution to this conundrum and i know i will continue to wrestle with taking this exciting next step while maintaining my autonomy and using my privilege consciously.

a big surprise.

seven years ago adam and i hiked our first adirondack high peak together. as it was adam's first high peak, i chose cascade mtn. i think cascade is a great "intro to the high peaks" hike. at less than three miles up and with a full 360 degree view, it's an awesome pay-off for a smaller amount of effort.

so when adam chose cascade mtn for a day hike yesterday, almost exactly seven years later, i thought it was sentimental and sweet.

little did i know that he had bigger plans!
once at the top, adam got down on his knees (in shorts! on the granite top of an adirondack mountain!). trying not to choke up and simultaneously trying to keep crosbi in control on the leash, he pulled out a blue bandana and unwrapped a little black box. words were a blur, but there was a proposal and there was an affirmation (albeit a bit delayed from shock).

what an awesome day!