babies and shopping malls.

sometimes i wonder if i have a few pieces missing. or maybe a few loose wires.
not that i am upset about this. it's more of an observation than a critical judgement.
i was born a woman, identify as a woman and have all the working parts of a woman. but i don't ever and never did want children. i truely knew that i didn't want kids very early on. probably about the same time that most other girls were naming their unborn children and planning their family tree. i can't tell you exactly why i don't want children, i just know that i am not interested. the idea of infants and toddlers doesn't make me long for anything. i get creeped out by the idea of anyone calling me 'mommy' (except maybe my pets, which now that i think about it, is kind of creepy too).
the first thing i get asked when people learn about my aversion to having children is, "why don't you like kids?". this comment is insulting and makes me want to punch people. i ought to think of something witty and cynical to retort, but these folks already think that i am a mean, satanic, child-eating soul so i wouldn't want to reinforce their stereotype of me.
the next thing people usually say is, "oh...you'll change your mind". no. i won't. i am 32 and haven't changed it yet. i'm not saying it's IMPOSSIBLE that my mind won't change. meteors could destroy earth too. which has better odds? i am not sure.
i don't hate children. i really like them. grated, the little, fragile, newborn types scare the shit out of me. they are just too intimidating. it's like walking through the crystal and china section of a nice store...just too stressful. i certainly can't afford to break anything...
i think that it is a very important job to be a parent. i don't think it's a job that all people are cut out for. parenting is a job that you need to love to do and be completely committed to. i am fully committed to helping other parents raise their children...as an external support. i have clients with small children and will extend extra effort to set them up with the resources they need.
here's the other thing. i think of not having children as an environmental choice. isn't it time to stop having a mindless explosion of humans on this planet? maybe if i don't want kids...i shouldn't have them and save some space for the kids of committed and insightful parents. i am not saying that having kids makes people environmentally unfriendly (that would be like folks calling me a kid-hater). i just think it's something to ponder.
the worst part is how differently people interpret my not wanting children and my partner's not wanting children. when a man announces he doesn't want children people smile and think it's pretty normal. certainly this is a sterotype too. but why do people (especially women) judge me as a woman so harshly? who knows. i have resigned myself to not understanding folks that want 4+ kids, maybe they should do the same for me.
oh yeah...and i don't like clothes shopping either. i actually don't like shopping much at all (with the solid exception of food related shopping). malls and department stores make me want to run away chris mccandless-style. i may be having an anxiety attack right now thinking about spending a whole day in a shopping mall and trying on clothes.
so maybe i'm wired wrong, but i don't care.