the push and pull.

on the porch with the sun beginning to heat the room to a point where it was just starting to become uncomfortable, we saw a butterfly fly by the open screen window drifting from purple coneflower to zinnia and back again. we stopped talking to watch it.
we were talking about the wedding, which is what we seem to always be talking about recently. the details of the two day event have risen from a softly tinkling stream to a whitewater rapid as though we have entered some type of marital monsoon season.
i mentioned that my mind doesn't seem to be working as i normally anticipate. of course, i am still making lists and checking off boxes but there is a constant, frenetic energy that seems to be short circuiting the mechanisms of my mind; especially those that control important functions such as concentration, organization and emotional balance. i said, "i feel like there are hundreds of racquetballs catapulting around in my head".
it's funny how fine a line there is between excitement, anticipation and anxiety.
in one of the seemingly hundreds of emails i sent out in the last few weeks, i wrote about the paradoxical feelings that are always bubbling in me lately. everything is staying the same and yet everything is changing. i want the day to hurry up and get here, yet i wish time would slow down so i can savor the anticipation. we are eager to control the details so that all of our favorite people will be as touched as we surely will be and yet we know that even if we did nothing, the day would be perfect. 
it is just one day, yet it will only happen once in a lifetime.
i find myself searching for mantras; things that can get me through the times where everything seems to be so swiftly spinning. but mostly i need to remember to just breathe and enjoy the ride.


  1. reminds me of a sentiment i copied long ago into my journal....

    "I dreamed of a wedding of elaborate elegance- a church filled with flowers and friends. I asked him what kind of wedding he wished for and he said one that would make me his wife."

    after the significance of witnessing your wedding vows...the rest is icing on the cake! take it easy and enjoy the next 4 weeks :)

  2. thanks corin...that's a beautiful sentiment indeed!
    i am so excited and honored that you will be there with us on our day :)


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